I’m getting sort of burned out. I wanna finish with fire, not in flames. This last week was kind of a doozy. Thanks for the letter of anticipation about sort of what to expect getting home. I’ve gotten kind of worried about going home and not knowing what to do next. It’s been a topic of thought. To be honest, lately I’ve not known what to do here. I have so many mixed feeling and nerves. I don’t know what to think sometimes. I feel like my heart is sort of leaving where I actually am and longing to be back home with family and resting for a time. When I get home, the only thing that I’m sure of what I want do right away is eat American fast food, rest, watch a movie, and lounge for a minute. I’m super excited to do that. :) Hahaha. Other than that, I sort of worry about dating and stuff like that. To be honest, that doesn’t even stress me yet. In my ward here, there’s like 3 missionaries that have just returned home in the last 2 months (some in the last 2 weeks). I’ve been talking to them and getting some advice as well. I’m excited for the reunion in the airport and all that jazz and excited to be with family, tell awesome stories maybe, eat real American food, and sleep till whenever I feel like. Also, I wanna hear about everyone else’s lives, like David, who I haven’t seen in 3 and a half years! I’m really excited to see him and hang out with him if he has time for me. I know he’s working and everything, but I really miss him and would love to catch up with him. I’m excited to be talking my native language all the time, and maybe have the chance to talk with other friends that know Spanish as well. There’s lots of things that I’m looking forward to and that’s been the major part of my thoughts lately.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m still concentrating on where I am. I have heard and learned from many people, that the journey is what should be enjoyed more than the desire to reach the destination. I desire the destination, but I hope and pray every day to enjoy the journey. I wanna go home with a stronger testimony than I had. I remember before my mission I thought I would be a completely different person…strong in the gospel, completely changed, better, and converted. I realize now that testimonies and changes are particles at a time. The nametag doesn’t make the missionary, it’s every small virtuous decision that makes the missionary. To serve a mission is the easy part, but to BE a missionary is what requires courage and a willing heart. I hope that my time here hasn’t been wasted. It has never been my intention to waste my time nor the Lord’s time. When we were visited by Elder Rasband 3 weeks ago, he told us that the Lord has made and is making a huge investment in us. In the time, effort, and hard work of all the people that help us, and also all the assignments and things that we do as missionaries are the investment that the Lord is making in us. I do hope that I do not squander that investment. I wish to continue to grow and strengthen others at the same time. I’m excited for these last 2 weeks, and honestly at times a little too excited to finish, but that’s the reality. I love the Lord’s work, and I love my family and miss them. That is the paradox that has me stuck between a rock and a hard place. I didn’t know what to write today, mom, to be honest. These are the things that I’ve been feeling, but please know that your words have helped me. Every effort you make to help me and to encourage me is worth it, thank you so much for your love. I’m working hard, and anxious for all there is to come. Continue to give my love to everyone. I love you all and miss you so much. I know the Lord loves me, and I hope to always feel His love with me. It requires lots of work and effort to have the spirit at all times, even as a missionary, but it’s a goal of mine to always be worthy of such a precious gift from my Heavenly Father.